Get Thin

Forget all those diets and aerobic fitness. If you want to lose the fat, join a judo class and have a guy 60 lbs heavier than you fall on you five times. I call this the rolling pin technique -- not officially recognized by Kodokan. First, all of the unnecessary oxygen filling your previously blissful lungs gets forced out of your nose and mouth. This has got to count for a few pounds. Then the fat that surrounds what muscle fiber you posses gets evenly distributed. The fat cells are like a brotherhood. When bunched together, they are formidable, but once separated from the pack, easily destroyed. So here's a few more pounds. Last to go is your pride. Having the stuffing beat out of you in front of all the little kids parents, chuckles and gasps galore, quickly gives you a sense of modest humility.

As the sensei mercifully calls an end to the night's beating, I mean practice, the silent air envelops you in the joyous knowledge that there is no more pain until next week Tuesday. Uno Mas!